Four letter word
by Henriette76
Summary: School have finished and what will happen to Jemma.
1. Chapter 1 Four letter word

**Hi. **

**Got inspired to write a short one shot Jemma story.**

**There is a change in the original storyline. Jenny's parents didn't die.**

**I've used the song Four letter word by Gossip.**

**(watch?v=LSNAHoJW1sA)**

**Hope you like it, looking forward to hear what you think.**

**Perhaps I can get inspired to write more ;)**

**Four letter word**

Frustrated Jenny dropped her bag onto the floor, and slumped down on the couch. Flipping her head back she looked at the ceiling and sighed as she began to think about why everything had begun to go wrong.

She let out a frustrated groan when she realized why it was going so wrong; it was all her parents fault. _Why couldn't they understand that they were crushing her dreams_? She had tried talking to them and negotiating with them, but there was nothing she could do. The worst thing was that she didn't know how to tell Emma and the stress was getting to her. Lately she and Emma kept arguing and today everything went completely horrible after she got off the phone with her father. When Emma had shown her an ad in the newspaper for apartments in Berlin all of the anger she felt towards her father was unleashed onto Emma and it resulted in one of the worst fights the two had ever had.

They had all finished school earlier that summer and all her friends knew exactly what they were going to do after the summer break. Even Caro ended up getting an apprenticeship at the record label. Emma had gotten a full scholarship to the prestigious Berlin University of the Arts, where she would be majoring in musical theater, but also minoring in vocational music where she would be able to sing and play a variety of musical instruments. She was so happy for her girlfriend because Emma had worked so hard and she really deserved it. Emma loved being on a stage performing. She had truly matured and grown to be so confident on the stage. Jenny couldn't have been more proud of Emma for the way she had taken her dreams into her own hands.

The day the two of them had gotten their acceptance letters to the University had been the best day of their lives. They had both been so thrilled to get into the same University and be given the chance to start their future together. She couldn't even describe the pure joy she felt knowing that her and Emma would be starting to pursue their dreams together. It had been a magical feeling for her, knowing that her dreams were coming true so perfectly. But it had all change the minute she had told her parents.

Sighing once again she took her shoes off and threw them across the room in frustration. "For fuck sake" she muttered when her shoe landed next to Ben's piano keyboard.

_Why oh why did her parents have to be like this?_ She thought to herself as she stood up to retrieve the shoes. Her father had told her they didn't want her to go the university. That going back in to the music business wasn't an option for her after what had happened to her the last time. They didn't want her near that industry with all its temptations again. They didn't believe she had matured enough to avoid temptations if it were thrown at her again. She had tried to tell them that she was mature now, that she had learned from her mistakes and that she was a better girl partly because of Emma. She would never do anything to jeopardize her relationship with Emma. Emma was the girl of her dreams. She was her life and future. The one person she wanted to grow old with.

Bending down to pick up her shoes she sighed as she thought of how she would break the news to Emma that not only would she be unable to follow her to Berlin but that she was being forced to return to London to follow the path her parents had chosen for her.. She knew the news would break Emma's heart and break them apart, perhaps forever. It already tore her heart apart to think that in less than a month she would be back in London and away from Emma; starting on the apprenticeship with the newspaper _London News_ that her father had arranged. She didn't want to become a journalist; she wanted to become an actress and play in theater or musicals. But her parents had refused to support her dream in any way and she couldn't afford it herself.

Once again she sighed looking down at Ben's piano keyboard, stroking the keys with her free hand. She dropped her shoes on the floor, turned on the piano keyboard, sat down and started playing the song in her head.

"_Oooh Oooh, oooh, ooh, ooh, oooh"_

"_Put my best foot forward_

_Trying to ignore the events of the day_

_Pacing back and forth_

_Slowly going nowhere_

_Running in place_

_Read more at "_

"_And it looks like it's gonna rain again_

_Ohhh another four letter word_

_Never gonna be the same again_

_Ohhh another four letter word"_

"_Oooh _

_Oooh, oooh, ooh, ooh, oooh_

_Oooh, oooh, ooh, ooh, oooh"_

"_Staring out my window_

_Look down at the street below_

_Children at play_

_Round and round and round it goes_

_Where it stops no one knows_

_Their faces seem to say"_

"_That it looks like it's gonna rain again_

_Ohhh another four letter word_

_Never gonna fall in love again_

_Ohhh another four letter word"_

The words she was singing started to hit her and tears started to run down her cheeks as she continued the song.

"_Love is a four letter word_

_That should never be heard_

_Love is a four letter word_

_A four letter word_

_Yeah"_

"_L is for leaving_

_O is for on time_

_V is for the voices warning me I'll lose my mind_

_E is for the ending _

_The unhappy ending of the four letter word"_

Realizing what she had to do, while singing, tore her heart apart, as the tears now ran freely down both of her cheeks.

"_And it looks like it's gonna rain again_

_Ohhh another four letter word_

_I never want to see your face again_

_Ohhh another four letter word"_

_"Oooh _

_Oooh, oooh, ooh, ooh, oooh_

_Oooh, oooh, ooh, ooh, oooh_

_Yeah"_

"_Never gonna fall in love again_

_Never wanna to see your face again_

_Never gonna fall in love again_

_I never wanna see your face again"_

Ending the song she buried her face in both of her hands and started to cry harder. Feeling a strong arm hold her, she looked up and saw Ben looking at her with compassion and brotherly love. Shuddering she fell crying into his arm as he sat down next to her.

After a while she stopped crying but stayed in Ben's arms seeking comfort from the ache in her heart. "Is it Emma? I saw you arguing in the park. What is up with you two? Lately you've been arguing a lot" Ben quietly asked while stroking her back.

"I know, everything is just so messed up," she whimpered into Ben's neck.

"What is messed up Jenny? I don't understand a month ago you were both so happy. You are going to Berlin together both living your dreams. What happened?" He asked in confusion as he gently pushed Jenny up so he could look her in the eyes.

Jenny looked at Ben, the guy she had come to think of as her brother. She took a deep breath and started to tell him everything as she tried to fight back the impending tears threatening to rush from her eyes again.

Ben sat listening to Jenny tell him what was wrong. He couldn't believe that Jenny's parents didn't trust her more after she had proven to them that she was able to stay clean and had turned her life around, much thanks to her relationship with Emma. He had witnessed the love between the two girls grow over this past year and saw how it made both of the girls stronger. Of all his friends he always believed that those two would stay together. It was impossible to think of Jenny without also thinking of Emma and visa versa. Their love for each other was so strong and they just completed each other perfectly.

"Jenny there must be something you can do. Can't you talk to your parents again and try to make them understand that you belong here in Germany with Emma and that acting and singing is your dream?" Ben asked taking Jenny's hands in his to comfort her.

"No Ben it wouldn't help! Trust me I've tried so many times to tell them and show them that I've changed and that together with Emma I can handle anything. But they don't believe me; they don't think I'm capable of saying no to the temptation. They can't see how strong Emma's love has made me" Jenny said sadly while tears started running down her cheeks once again.

Sobbing Jenny buried her head into Ben's neck again "Ben I can't be away from Emma. I love her too much. The thought of her and I not being together is to hard. I don't know how to deal with it".

Pushing Jenny back up again and wiping away her tears with his right thumb Ben quietly replied "Jenny you have to talk to Emma about this. She is just as upset and confused about what is happening between the two of you. Maybe you can figure something out. Come up with a solution so you can still be together and still see each other, even if you don't live in the same city. Perhaps when your parents see how well you are doing, they will let you move to Berlin. Long distance relationships can be done Jenny, just look at Bea and I. We have to be apart while I study to become a teacher"

A bit annoyed with Ben's comparison Jenny stood up and said frustratingly "Ben it is not the same as you and Bea! You are just going to be an hour drive away from each other. Emma and I are going to be in different countries for god's sake. Ben, I can't be so far away from Emma. I cannot cope without seeing, listening to her and feeling her everyday. The distance is slowly going to tear us apart and I can't bear that"

Surprised by Jenny's sudden angry outburst Ben quietly asked "But Jenny there has to be something you can do?"

Sighing Jenny bent down and picked up her shoes and walked back over to the couch to pick up her bag she had dropped earlier. "Yeah Ben there is something I can do, and I guess I better do it now, instead of prolonging the pain" she said dejectedly as she felt her heart breaking at the thought of what she had to do.

Walking towards her room she took out her mobile phone from her bag and pressed the number she knew by heart. It rang a few time before it was answered and all she could say was "Hi Emma it is me, we need to talk can you come over right away?"


	2. Chapter 2 Long Distance

**A/N**

**Wow thank you for all your reviews, they actually ****inspired me to write a second chapter :)**

**The song to this chapter: /watch?v=xuiSFDuo3ac  
**

**Btw. There is another song hidden in the chapter. If you can all guess which one and by whom, I might write another update ;)**

**Thank you BETA :D**

**Enjoy!**

**Long Distance**

-2 months later-

Holding her mobile phone in her right hand Jenny walks restlessly around the various rooms in her parent's London house. She continually looks at the screen of her phone silently willing it to ring. Ever since getting back to London the only time she felt alive was when she talked to Emma on the phone or through Skype. Her life was miserable; she missed Germany and she missed Emma so much that she felt she could barely breathe. She didn't sleep very well and she hardly ate anything anymore.

She had started on the apprenticeship that her father had set up for her. She did what was expected of her. She showed up on time, did her job and went straight home every day after work. Her colleagues had asked her out for an after work night-cap a couple of times but she had politely declined and hurried home to wait for Emma to call or message her. She didn't enjoy the work, but she did it to please her father, perhaps eventually he could see that she had matured and was capable of taking care of herself again, so she could move back to Emma in Germany.

She let out a sigh as she thought of Emma, the woman that stole her heart so completely. _Oh god she missed her so much_. She still didn't know if she hade made the right decision by letting Emma talk her into not breaking up and trying to have a long distance relationship. For a moment she got lost in her thoughts thinking back on that horrible day when she had called Emma and asked her to come over so they could have a talk.

_- Flashback begins -_

She had decided to break up with Emma; she couldn't handle the thought of not being near her everyday. It was the worst thing she ever had to do. She would never forget the look on Emma's face when she had ended it and told her everything. It absolutely broke her heart into a million pieces to see Emma break down and cry. They had both sat on her bed crying and holding each other seeking a bit of comfort from each other.

After a while Emma had stopped crying but had stayed in Jenny's arm just sitting there in silence. Suddenly she had stood up and paced back and forth in Jenny's room saying "no no no no no Jenny".

Turning around Emma had looked at Jenny with a very determined and stubborn expression Jenny had only seen a couple of times throughout their relationship. "No Jenny I won't let you decide that it is over between us like that. Not without talking to me first. I love you and you love me. It is not over Jenny. We can fight this. We can survive this. We can survive the distance. It is going to be hard, but we can. We just have to show your parents how strong you have become and perhaps they'll let you come back to start uni next year. Jenny it is not over, I won't allow you to break up with me." Emma said determinedly as she looked Jenny right in the eyes.

Jenny had tried to tell Emma that it was impossible but Emma wouldn't hear of it. She had cut Jenny off and asked her if she still loved her.

"Yes" she had admitted to Emma and told her that she still loved her with every fiber of her being.

Determined Emma had walked over to Jenny again and sat down taking Jenny's hands in hers. "Good because I also love you with all of my being. You are my dream girl, my life and my future. Jenny we both love each other and after all we been through I'm not letting you end this. We can do this. Together we can be strong and get through this. We love each other and that is all that matters. Ok?"

Jenny had been lost for words after Emma's love declaration and the faith that Emma showed in her and their relationship caused Jenny to tear up. This time they weren't only sad tears but also happy tears from again realizing how much Emma loved her.

Emma had wiped away the tears with her hands and cupped her face before giving her a long, searing kiss that expressed all of the love she felt for Jenny. The kiss took Jenny's breath away and she realized that her heart wouldn't bare it if she left the blonde.

They had sat kissing and hugging for a while, all the while Emma reassured her that they could do it and that their love for each other was strong enough to last.

Exhausted and emotionally drained they had fallen asleep in each other's arm after agreeing that they were going to get the best out of their last month together in Cologne.

_- Flashback ends -_

Looking at her phone yet again for god knows how many times that afternoon, she sighed when she realized Emma was late. Emma usually would have called or texted her by now. Impatiently she pressed Emma's number hoping she would answer. "Hey how ya doin'- Sorry ya can't get through -Why don't you leave your name -And your number - And I'll get back to you" she heard through the phone.

Just to hear Emma's singing voice made her smile "Hi honey it is just me, calling to talk, call me back when you get the message. Miss you a lot".

She hung up and sighed as she thought that she would just have to wait for Emma to call her back. She knew that Emma had vocal rehearsal this afternoon and it must have dragged out.

She lived for her talks with Emma now, but deep down talking with her also hurt her a bit. She felt a bit envious of Emma, when she excitedly told her about all the things she experienced at uni and all the new people she had gotten to know. She wished that she could be with Emma and experience it with her. Last time they had talked Emma had told her about a girl whom she was doing a song with for one of her musical classes. She couldn't help but feel a bit jealous. She wanted to be that girl. Deep down she feared that Emma would eventually get tired of their long distance relationship and find someone else from her uni that shared her interest in singing and dancing. Jenny's biggest fear was loosing Emma. The thought of Emma being with another girl, made her heart constrict in her chest, as though someone's cold hands squeezed it tight.

She was sick and tired of this whole situation. She missed Emma so much that it physically hurt her all the time. She was sick of waiting. She felt her life was on stand still with no real meaning. All she lived for were the small moments when she had a little contact with Emma. Sighing she went into the living room and sat down by the piano yet again.

She had found that playing the piano and singing brought her some sort of comfort for a short moment. So she often found herself there playing and singing when she wasn't at work or talking to Emma.

Opening the case to the keyboard she closed her eyes and started to play the first thing that came into her mind.

"There's only so many songs

That I can sing to pass the time

And I'm runnin' out of things

To do to get you off my mind

All I have is this picture in a frame

That I hold close to see your face everyday"

She looked down at her phone at the screen photo of her and Emma together. It was taken the day they had gotten the good news that they both had been accepted into the University in Berlin. They both looked so happy. Emma was staring into the camera, while Jenny was looking at Emma and kissing her chin.

"With you is where I'd rather be

But we're stuck where we are

It's so hard, you're so far

This long distance is killin' me

I wish that you are here with me

But we're stuck where we are

It's so hard, you're so far

This long distance is killin' me"

"It's so hard, it's so hard

Where we are, where we are, you're so far

This long distance is killin' me

It's so hard, it's so hard

Where we are, where we are, you're so far

This long distance is killin' me"

"Now the minutes feel like hours

And the hours feel like days while I'm away

You know right now I can't be home

But I'm comin' home soon, comin' home soon

All I have is this picture in a frame

That I hold close to see your face everyday"

She hoped that she would come home to Emma. With Emma was the only place she felt at home. She had given up trying to talk and persuade her farther into letting her go back to Germany, so now she just hoped she could show him she was fully capable of taking care of herself and wouldn't fall back into her old ways.

"With you is where I'd rather be

But we're stuck where we are

It's so hard, you're so far

This long distance is killin' me

I wish that you were here with me

But we're stuck where we are

It's so hard, you're so far"

"Can you hear me cryin'?

Can you hear me cryin'?

Can you hear me cryin'?

Oh, oh, oh"

Tears started to run down her cheeks. She missed Emma so much. It tore at her heart not being with her, being able to hold her and kiss her everyday.

"With you is where I'd rather be

But we're stuck where we are

So hard, so far

This long distance is killin' me

I wish you are here with me

But we're stuck where we are

So hard, so far

This long distance is killin' me"

Jenny kept singing and playing, not noticing the figure standing in the door behind her watching her.

"It's so hard, it's so hard

Where we are, where we are, you're so far

This long distance is killin' me

It's so hard, it's so hard

Where we are, where we are, you're so far

This long distance is killin' me"

Unknown to Jenny her mother had watched her play and sing the whole song. It was breaking her heart to see her daughter struggling so much and being so unhappy. She didn't eat anymore; she had lost weight and was starting to look pale and with black lines under her eyes. She wondered if Jenny got much sleep because every night she could hear her daughter cry herself to sleep. Lately she had started to wonder if her and her husband had made the wrong decision making Jenny move back to London. Watching Jenny finish the song, she slowly walked away thinking to herself that she had to talk to Rolf about Jenny again. Perhaps they could figure something out to make Jenny happy again. Jenny's happiness was all that mattered she thought as she made a decision that she knew her husband wasn't going to like.

"There's only so many songs

That I can sing to pass the time"

Finishing the song Jenny sighed, closed the lid on the piano keyboard and wiped away the tears. Right as she was about to get up she heard the very familiar ring tone from her phone. Smiling she picked up her phone and answered it "Hi honey, how are you?"


	3. Chapter 3 I wont give up

**This Chapter is dedicated to Mel and Claudia who guessed the hidden song in the previous chapter.**

**It was De La Soul with Ring Ring Ring.**

**Here is the link for the song from this chapter: **

**/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns&feature=branded**

**Thanks to my Beta.**

**Enjoy and don't forget to review :-)**

**I Won't Give Up**

Emma lay in her bed in her room. After all the plans she and Jenny had fell through, she had rented a room in Berlin in a shared apartment with two other students. She lay flipping her phone around between her fingers. She had just finished talking to Jenny. She missed her so much, but was also starting to worry about her. She didn't sound happy at all anymore. She could often hear in her voice that she had been crying and lately she had also begun to break down and cry during their talks. It tore at her heart that she wasn't with Jenny, that she couldn't take her in her arms and comfort her.

She unlocked the screen on her new phone and started looking at the photos of Jenny and all her friends from the Pestalozzi. She really missed them and the time they had spent together at STAG. The last year had been so amazing. She had made new friends, and the time at STAG had shown her what she wanted to do with her future thanks to Ms. Vogel. Emma believed Ms. Vogel was the best teacher she ever had. But best of all she had met Jenny, the girl of her dreams. The girl she wanted to grow old and grey with. She let out a small laugh at the thought of her and Jenny old and grey walking down the streets of Berlin with their walking sticks and chatting away about how the youth of today were impossible.

Flipping through the pictures, she saw the one of her and Jenny that had been taken the day they had both gotten their acceptance letters to the University in Berlin. It had been one of their happiest days. Jenny was looking at her and kissing her chin while smiling. Making her adorable dimple show. She loved that infectious smile and her dimple. She frowned when she realized it had been quite a while since she had last seen it. She really did worry about Jenny. If she could just come up with something that could reassure Jenny that everything would be alright and really show her that she loved her. Flipping through the pictures she sighed, thinking how things had changed from being the happiest time of her life to the most difficult.

_-flashback begins-_

Fuming she walked quickly away from Jenny. She was shaking with anger, and tears ran down her cheek as she started to run and she didn't stop until she slammed the door shut to her room at home. Falling down on her bed she kept sobbing, her thoughts swirling around like a carousel without end. She couldn't figure out what had happened between them. But lately, everything between them was a mess and no matter what she did Jenny seemed to snap at her. And today everything had just exploded when she had had enough of Jenny's behavior and it had ended in a huge argument. Shaking, she curled up like a ball, hugging her spare pillow that smelled of Jenny as the tears started to run freely, holding her phone, hoping Jenny would call her. She sighed, closing her eyes tightly trying to stop the tears. She only had one explanation for Jenny's behavior and that was that Jenny must have gotten tired of her and her insecurities and finally had enough, wanting to end it all. Or Jenny had met someone else. The thought of Jenny with someone else made her heart ache and her stomach turn.

Suddenly she felt sick and she leapt up off the bed and ran towards the bathroom with her phone still in her hand. Kneeling down by the toilet, still panting and sweating from being sick, she heard a familiar song and felt her phone vibrating in her hand. Wiping her mouth with her free hand, she hurriedly answered the phone, "Hi Jenny."

The minute Jenny had asked her to come over to talk, her heart had stopped. She could just hear in Jenny's voice that it wasn't good news and that she was about to get her heart broken.

Riding on her bike over to Jenny's place she had listened to music to try and calm her nerves, but it didn't help. She had stood outside the Bergman's home trying to summon up the courage to ring the doorbell and get her heart broken into a million pieces. With a trembling finger she had pushed the doorbell, taking a deep breath so she wouldn't start to cry again.

Jenny had opened the door almost immediately. Emma could see that Jenny had also been crying. Without a word, Jenny had taken her hand and led them up the stairs into her room, closing the door behind them.

The silence between them was unbearable. Jenny had sat looking everywhere but at Emma. It wasn't until Emma had taken Jenny's hand in hers that Jenny looked at her and she saw that Jenny was crying. She was about to open her mouth and say something to Jenny, when Jenny cut her of by saying those words that she most dreaded to hear: "Emma we have to end this – us. It's over"

The minute Jenny had said those words the tears that had threatened to spill out started to stream down her face. "Why ?" was all that she managed to choke out between sobs.

The look on Jenny's face told her that this was hurting her just as much. Jenny had tried to talk but all that came out was a guttural sound of pain before she shuddered and fell onto Emma's chest.

Crying, they had held each other for a while, seeking some comfort in each other. She felt Jenny relax a bit and heard her whimper, "Sorry Emma, I'm so sorry."

"But why Jenny? I don't understand, what's happened. Don't you love me anymore?" Emma managed to get out between her sobs.

They had held each other while Jenny told her everything. Finally, after sitting in silence again, Emma had felt some sort of courage, anger and determination come over her. She wouldn't just let this break them up. Their love for each other was too strong. So she had told Jenny clearly and forcefully what she thought and that she wasn't going to let Jenny end it.

They had talked and Emma wouldn't back down on her decision. She knew their love for each other was strong enough to survive being apart while they figured everything out. It was going to be hard, but she knew deep down in her heart that they could do it. Because the alternative was too scary and heart breaking for her. She would rather be with Jenny an ocean away than not be with her at all.

Finally Jenny had agreed and they had decided to make the best out of their last month together in Cologne before they had fallen asleep, holding each other tight.

_- Flashback ends –_

Stroking the picture of Jenny on her phone with her right index finger, she laid down wondering about what she could do to cheer Jenny up and show her that she was still her dream girl and the love of her life.

It was so hard for her to see how much Jenny struggled. She wondered if she was eating, because lately when they had Skyped she could see that Jenny had lost weight. She also often noticed the black rims under her eyes and the redness in her eyes that told her Jenny had been crying. It was hard to see Jenny's pain because she missed her so much. Right after Jenny had left for London, her whole body had just shut down. She had stayed in bed for 3 days not wanting to eat, sleep or talk to anybody. All she could do was listen to songs that reminded her of Jenny and cry. It was Luzi who finally had come around to her place and dragged her out with the others to hang out at Chulos.

After that day, Emma had decided to put all her energy into her move to Berlin and uni. When uni had started she had practically drowned herself in studying and doing extra singing, acting and dancing classes and even signed up for the school musical, which also took up a lot of her time. It still hurt her to be so far away from Jenny. Not being able to hold her, kiss her and be with her every day. But she had found out the more she focused on uni, the less she had time to think of the hurt and the emptiness Jenny had left in her heart when she had moved to London

Her mind wandered to the latest assignment she had in singing class. They had to do a love song duet and were paired up by the teacher. She had been paired with Karin, a girl from Hamburg. They had to sing 'Just a kiss by Lady Antebellum'. It had troubled her a bit when her teacher had paired her with a girl, because not only did they have to sing a love song, they also had to act the song on stage while singing. She had, however, come to the conclusion that she had to be professional and she could do it, even though in the beginning it felt like she was cheating on Jenny. When she had told Jenny about the assignment she couldn't help but notice a small frown on Jenny's face. She had quickly changed the subject and asked Jenny about her day. She didn't want to upset her anymore. She just wished there was something she could do to make Jenny feel more secure in their relationship, and that there was some way she could make Jenny see that she was there for her.

Dropping her phone down onto the bed, she looked to the other side of her room where her white piano keyboard was standing next to her laptop. It was a gift she had gotten from her parents the day she had gotten the scholarship. They had been so happy for her and she still couldn't believe they had gotten her such an expensive gift. Smiling she stood up and walked over to it, turned it on along with her laptop and opened her music program she had just gotten. She had just figured out what she wanted to do for Jenny.

Setting up the program on her laptop and the keyboard to the right rhythm and beat she pressed record and sat down and started to sing.

"When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

Well there's so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?"

"I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up"

"And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find"

"Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No, I won't give up"

She smiled at the meaning of the words she was singing, knowing they communicated perfectly what she wanted to say. That she wouldn't give up on Jenny and their relationship and that she would be there for her always.

"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts

We got yeah we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not

And who I am"

Putting her whole heart into the song, she continued playing and singing while her laptop recorded the song.

"I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

I'm still looking up"

She was determined to show how much she loved Jenny, how much she meant to her and that she wouldn't give up on them – ever.

"I won't give up (No I'm not) on us (Giving up)

God knows I'm tough (I am tough), he knows (I am loved)

We got a lot (We're alive) to learn (We are loved)

God knows we're worth it (And we're worth it)"

"I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up"

Ending the song, she added "I love you and miss you, babe, but you are in my heart every day and we can make it."

Smiling she stopped recording and listened through the song. Satisfied with the outcome she opened her email and sent it to her love right away.

Walking over to her bed picking up her phone, she quickly texted Jenny, "Hi babe, you've got mail. Love you. xoxo Em."

Standing looking at the screen photo of Jenny, admiring her beautiful blue eyes, she was startled when there was a knock on her door.


	4. Chapter 4 Just a kiss

**This one is for Liv - wanted to give you something to read :)**

**Thanks to my Beta :)**

**Enjoy!**

**Just a kiss**

Emma looked slightly confused when she opened her door, hesitating before she awkwardly blurted "You - oh shit I totally forgot, I'm sorry!" to her visitor.

"That is some way to welcome your guest. You sure do know how to make a girl feel welcome," Karin said chuckling.

"I'm sorry, come in. I've just totally forgotten our plans," Emma said with a blush, a little embarrassed that she had forgotten that she had planned to practice the duet with Karin.

"Hey don't worry. It's okay. Shall we get started?" Karin asked while patting Emma on her arm. Entering Emma's room behind her she thought to herself that Emma was really cute when she was blushing.

They both sat down on Emma's bed and Karin took out her music notes and the lyrics from her backpack while asking Emma if she had had a look at it and had any thoughts about how they should act out and sing the song.

Emma shook her head. Still embarrassed, she had to admit that she really hadn't thought about the assignment and that she had totally forgotten all about their plans for today. Apologizing, she asked Karin if she wanted something to drink to change the subject. She really didn't like that she wasn't prepared and that she hadn't practiced the song, but her mind had been occupied by Jenny lately.

She apologized to Karin yet again, before going to the kitchen to make some coffee for them. While in the kitchen, she took some Digestive biscuits and grapes and put them on a plate for them to nibble on while they were going through their assignment.

When Emma walked back into the room, Karin looked up from the floor where she had now seated herself with her notes spread out around her. Karin's gaze lingered on Emma's smile. She thought that Emma had the cutest smile. When their teacher had paired them together she couldn't help the small feeling of butterflies stirring in her stomach. She had been admiring Emma from afar since the beginning of the school year. She didn't think she had a chance, seeing as she was sure that Emma was straight.

Emma sat down in front of Karin and handed her a cup of coffee. She put the plate down between them and looked around at all the notes Karin had spread around the floor. "Wow, you've made a lot of notes," she said, once again silently cursing herself for forgetting about the assignment and their plans to get started on it today.

"Yeah well, aren't you glad I came prepared?" Karin teasingly said to Emma, winking at her.

"Yes ... well ... again I'm so sorry, but I've just been…." Emma, flustered, started emmaing, not knowing what to say.

"Hey don't worry about. I was only teasing, Emma," Karin said, smiling while reaching over to pat Emma on her arm to reassure her that everything was okay. All the while thinking that Emma was also cute when she got all flustered.

"So Emma, this is how I've been thinking we could sing the song as a duet and act it out," Karin said while picking up some notes and handing them to Emma to change the subject and show Emma that she was okay with it all. She had never in her life been so prepared for an assignment. But she knew how prepared and professional Emma always was in every class and, somehow, she felt the need to impress her.

Emma sat looking at the papers Karin had given her and she had to admit that she was truly impressed. The work she had done was really good. She had always believed that Karin wasn't the type to do homework or prepare much for classes, but she must have gotten the wrong impression of her. The only thing about the notes that troubled her was the end of the act. Karin had written _'and we kiss'._ "This really looks good Karin, but I don't know about the ending. Can't we find another one?" She really didn't want to kiss another girl. She felt she would be betraying Jenny.

"What are you talking about?" Karin looked quizzically at Emma, wondering why she didn't like the ending.

"Uhmmm the ... The kiss" Emma quietly stuttered, looking down at the floor.

Karin looked at Emma and suddenly it dawned on her why Emma was afraid of the kiss. "The kiss… Well, seeing as the song is about kissing, I kind of think we have to kiss in the end, when we act out the song. I don't think there is any way around it. Is it because I'm a girl? Then don't worry, I've kissed girls before and it isn't that much different than boys. It is softer perhaps. And everyone knows that it's just an act, " Karin said, smiling at Emma to try to reassure her that everything was okay and that it was just a simple kiss. But inwardly she was looking forward to kissing Emma's beautiful lips, even if it was just an act.

Throwing her hands up in the air as if to show Karin she surrendered, Emma sighed. She knew Karin was right. It was just acting and eventually she would have to kiss other people for her career. So she should just be professional and do it. And she was sure that Jenny would understand everything when she told her about the assignment and how important it was for her grade in that class. "Okay Karin let's do it, but no tongue." Emma said seriously.

"No no, of course not. We wouldn't want our teacher and all the boys to get too excited, would we?" Karin laughed, but inwardly she sighed, as she wouldn't have minded French kissing with Emma.

"Certainly not," Emma giggled, very relieved that Karin was agreeing with her. She wasn't ready to stand in front of her whole class French kissing another girl. In fact she wasn't ready to kiss any other girl than Jenny, period.

"Right, shall we get started? Do you have the song on your laptop? If not I have it on my IPod," Karin said while standing up and collecting all the notes spread out on the floor.

Emma got up and moved the tray to the table next to her laptop. "I have it on my laptop. I'll find it and put it on."

They started rehearsing the song. First they both sang the whole song, but they quickly found which parts they should each sing. Rehearsing the song over and over a couple of more times, they both agreed that their voices actually fit together well for this song.

After singing the song a few more times they decided to try and act out the song while singing.

Both Emma and Karin stood hugging. They had agreed that it would be the perfect start to their duet. Emma started singing, while they both slowly moved away from each other.

"_Lyin' here with you so close to me_

_It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe_

_I'm caught up in this moment, caught up in your smile"_

Karin started singing along while they both danced slowly around each other bringing life to the story of two girls who had just fallen in love with each other.

"_I've never opened up to anyone_

_So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms_

_We don't need to rush this, let's just take it slow"_

"_Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight_

_Just a touch of the fire burning so bright_

_And I don't want to mess this thing up_

_No, I don't want to push too far"_

"_Just a shot in the dark that you just might_

_Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life_

_So baby, I'm alright with just a kiss goodnight_"

Karin couldn't help but think that it would be nice to sing this song to Emma for real and be able to kiss her goodnight every day.

"_I know that if we give this a little time_

_It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find_

_It's never felt so real, no, it's never felt so right"_

While Emma was singing the lyrics, she realized they fit her and Jenny when they first met. Jenny had been so patient with her and waited for her to be ready to take the next step.

"_Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight_

_Just a touch of the fire burning so bright_

_No, I don't want to mess this thing up_

_I don't want to push too far"_

Emma couldn't help but think about how much she hoped she would be able to kiss Jenny goodnight every night again. She missed that so much.

"_Just a shot in the dark that you just might_

_Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life_

_So baby, I'm alright with just a kiss goodnight"_

"_No, I don't want to say goodnight_

_I know it's time to leave_

_But you'll be in my dreams_

_Tonight, tonight, tonight"_

As they danced, they both moved closer to each other again, swaying to the music and holding hands.

"_Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight_

_Just a touch of the fire burning so bright_

_And I don't want to mess this thing up_

_I don't want to push too far_"

Emma closed her eyes, swaying and singing, moving ever closer to Karin. But all she could think of was Jenny. Being in Jenny's arms, dancing closely and singing love songs into her ear.

"_Just a shot in the dark that you just might_

_Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life_

_So baby, I'm alright"_

Karin looked at Emma and thought she was so pretty when she was dancing so close to her with her eyes closed and singing sweetly, as if Karin was the only one in Emma's world. She could feel butterflies building inside her. This was it. Soon she would get to kiss the girl she had fallen for.

"_Oh, let's do this right with just a kiss goodnight_

_With a kiss goodnight, kiss goodnight"_

Emma still had her eyes closed, pictures of Jenny running through her mind, when she sang the last word. She felt soft lips touch hers and, sighing, she kissed them again. Ohh Jenny, I've missed your lips and your kiss so much she thought to herself while letting the kiss develop. She let herself be pushed against the wall, still lost in the kiss.

She suddenly heard a moan that didn't sound familiar to her. She opened her eyes and, shocked, she pushed Karin hard away from her. "What the fuck are you doing Karin? – This wasn't what we talked about and agreed on."

Confused, Karin looked at Emma. " I… I thought you wanted to. It felt like you wanted to. You kissed me back!"

"No I don't want to kiss you. I have a girlfriend Karin. One who I am deeply in love with," Emma yelled angrily.

"Well it didn't feel that way two minutes ago!" Karin yelled back, totally stunned that Emma had a girlfriend, but also that Emma was putting all the blame on her. Emma had definitely kissed her back.

Still fuming, Emma pointed at the door. "Get out of here… Get out now." She was furious that Karin had used her like that, that she had used their assignment to kiss her. But she was also angry with herself for kissing her back. She would never have thought that she would do something like that. But in that moment, all she could see was Jenny and she had truly forgotten everything about Karin and the assignment. She told herself she thought she was kissing Jenny.

Karin moved in close to Emma so she stood just inches away from her. "Fine, I'll leave now Emma, but it wasn't just me. You were just as into the kiss as I was…. And don't forget that this assignment is important for our grade so you had better show up when we have to perform it in front of class." Karin, hurt and angry, hissed before walking over to the bed, grabbing her stuff and hurrying out before she could start to cry. She didn't want Emma to see her cry.

Feeling frustrated, hurt, angry, remorseful, sad and confused, Emma threw herself on the bed. Reaching out for her pillow she put it over her mouth before screaming into it. The scream quickly turned to crying. While her tears flowed, her phone started to ring. She knew from the sound of the ring tone that it was Jenny calling her. She picked up her phone but couldn't bring herself to answer it. How could she tell Jenny what just had happened? How could she tell her that she had kissed another girl? It would break Jenny's heart and it would tear them apart forever. The phone stopped ringing but quickly began again. She put the phone on silent and moved it to the night table next to the bed. She couldn't face talking to Jenny. Turning around towards the wall, hugging her spare pillow, she cried herself to sleep to the sound of the phone vibrating on the night table several more times as Jenny called.


	5. Chapter 5 I'm missing you

**A short update as promised**

**Thank you for all your lovely reviews :)**

**/watch?v=qgKSYPDZ4qM**

**Enjoy!**

**I'm missing you.**

With her earphones in, Jenny wandered around the streets near her parents' house, walking her neighbor's dog Rusty and listening to music on her iPhone. She often took Rusty out for walks. Her neighbor was an old lady in her early eighties living alone, and Jenny loved the walks. They helped her calm down and clear her mind. She felt the time she spent walking around London with Rusty gave her some peace of mind about her life. The 3 year-old little Yorkshire terrier had really won her heart, and she loved the little guy. When he looked at her with those small dark eyes as if she was the only one in the whole world, she couldn't help but smile and give him an extra treat. She had a suspicion that Rusty had figured out that she couldn't resist his puppy dog look and did it on purpose just to get the treats he knew she carried with her.

She had never had a pet as a child because her parents wouldn't allow her to have one as they moved a lot and didn't have time to take proper care of one. So she would never have thought that she could create such a bond with a little furball like Rusty. It seemed at times as if Rusty knew how to comfort her when she was sad. He would crawl up on her and cuddle her or do something silly that made her smile. Mrs. Woodward kept remarking that he had taken a liking to her the first time he saw her. That it was love at first sight for Rusty, which wasn't like him at all.

Since she had her hip operation, she hadn't been able to take long walks with Rusty, so Mrs. Woodward was happy when Jenny volunteered to walk him for her. Jenny had become close to Mrs. Woodward, or Rose as she preferred to be called. Her real name was Rosalind but she had soon asked Jenny to call her Rose like her own children and grandchildren did. Jenny liked helping her with Rusty and talking to her over a cup of tea. She could tell the most incredible stories about London's history. She had gotten close to Rose lately and felt she was the only one who understood her and the pain she was feeling. Rose let Jenny talk about Emma and cry when she needed to. She was patient and listened to Jenny ramble on and on about not wanting to be in London and missing Emma. Jenny felt that Rose was the grandmother she never really had and, lately, she visited her every day telling her about her day and the newest conversation she had had with Emma.

Looking down at Rusty, she couldn't help but smile. The little terrier knew exactly where they were going and he was so eager to get there that he pulled on his leash to get Jenny to walk faster. Rounding the corner, she could see the entrance to the park. Rusty loved it there. He especially loved running around without a leash playing with the other dogs. Jenny usually sat on a bench watching him play while listening to music. Sometimes she also played with him, running around playing catch with a stick she found in the park.

A new song started playing as she walked through the entrance to the park. Frowning, she listened to the song and her mind filled with thoughts of Emma again.

"_I miss your love, since you've been gone_

_I find it hard to go on_

_The summer sky don't mean a thing_

_I thought I'd always be strong_

_I got a feeling inside_

_And it's making my heart cry, 'cause"_

She couldn't figure out why Emma hadn't answered her phone calls or texts. It had been over a day since they last spoke and she hadn't heard from her since she had sent her that wonderful song. That song had made all her insecurities about their relationship and the distance fly away. If possible, it had made her heart swell with even more love for Emma. Somehow Emma always knew what to say and do to make her feel better.

"_I'm missing you_

_And it's making me blue, yeah_

_I'm missing you_

_But what can I do_

_Thousand miles away, from you"_

But thinking of Emma made Jenny's heart hurt a bit. She missed her and wondered why she still hadn't heard from her. It wasn't like Emma to ignore her like this. They usually spoke at least once a day and now it had been a full day since she heard from her. Jenny was getting worried that something had happened.

"_here I am, and everything's new_

_I should be happy in love_

_But all I know, I look deep in my eyes_

_I've never felt so alone_

_And this feeling inside_

_It's making my heart cry, 'cause"_

The thought of something bad happening to Emma was unbearable. It made her heart ache. She tried to push the thought away and looked at the ball of energy at her feet. Walking along the path with Rusty still on his leash, she passed a corner and he immediately started to pull a bit. He knew they were going to the area where he could run freely and play with the other dogs and Jenny smiled at his little tail eagerly wagging the closer they came to his favorite place in the park. The song kept playing and again Emma came rushing back into her mind.

"_I'm missing you_

_And it's making me blue, yeah_

_I'm missing you_

_But what can I do_

_Thousand miles away, from you"_

"Ohh Emma I miss you terribly, why won't you pick up your phone?" she silently whispered to herself as she walked up to a bench to sit down and unleash Rusty.

"_So what's the meaning of this_

_To be living like this_

_It ain't no fun at all_

_I wonder where are you now_

_(I wonder where are you now)"_

She hadn't noticed the tears running down her cheeks when she sat down. She took out her phone and hit Emma's number once again, hoping that her love would answer, but instead, she once again got the very familiar voice mail song. Usually she found that song adorable, but now she hated it. She was tired of only getting Emma's voice mail. She was sick of that being the only time she heard Emma's voice. This time she didn't leave a message. She just didn't have the strength to beg Emma once more to contact her or answer her phone. She had left so many texts and messages on Emma's voice mail telling her that she was worried and that she missed and loved her , begging her to call her back.

Instead of running off to play with the other dogs, Rusty just sat down beside her feet looking up at her, as if he was trying to figure out what was wrong. Jenny finally broke down and held her face in her hands as she cried. Rusty stood up on his hind legs, licking her hands trying to comfort her. When that didn't work he laid down on her feet to try and protect her.

"_I miss your love since you been gone_

_I find it hard to go on_

_And this feeling inside_

_I just break down and cry"_

As the song played on, Jenny just sat crying on the bench, not registering anything around her. Her only thoughts were of Emma. Why wasn't she responding? All of Jenny's insecurities came rushing back and thoughts of Emma being sick of the long distance relationship or having fallen for another girl were a blow she felt all the way down to her stomach.

Suddenly she felt a strong, comforting arm reach around her and pull her into a hug. Quickly looking up, she found herself staring into a very familiar pair of eyes.


	6. Chapter 6 Lean on me

**A/N**

**Thanks to my beta for her help :)**

**and appologies for the long wait for this update.**

**Enjoy!**

**Lean on me**

"Sarah?... how did.. where did you.. how did you?" Jenny stuttered, still looking incredulously into Sarah's light blue eyes.

"I recognized you and watched you sit down and start crying," Sarah explained gently, wiping the tears from Jenny's cheeks with her thumbs, trying to give a little comfort to her old friend.

"I've actually seen you here before with the dog," Sarah said pointing down towards Rusty.

Still surprised to see Sarah again, and a little disappointed that she hadn't come up to her when she had seen her earlier, Jenny asked, "You've seen me here before, why, why didn't you come up and say hi?" Jenny examined Sarah's features. Her blond hair had grown longer and she had lost a bit of weight. It suited her she thought to herself.

Looking everywhere but at Jenny, and suddenly feeling a little insecure, Sarah quietly murmured, "I don't know, I was a little shy and I didn't know if you wanted to talk."

"Why wouldn't I want to talk to you Sarah? You're my friend." Jenny softly queried.

"Well, you kind of disappeared on me all of a sudden. I just thought you got tired of me. I mean I would understand if you did. I'm not hip and cool like you and…" Sarah rambled, still not looking at Jenny.

"Stop, Sarah. I didn't get tired of you. You were my friend. Actually you were my only friend and I'm sorry for disappearing. I feel awful about it. My parents made me leave London to straighten up and get my life back on track," Jenny said, wondering if her parents would ever trust her again to make her own decisions about her life.

"But now I'm back and it seems like I'm back for forever. My parents want me to stay here now." Jenny looked down at Rusty who still lay next to her feet as if he was trying to comfort her with his presence. She leaned down and stroked his tousled fur.

"You sound upset that you're back, is that why you're crying Jenny?" Sarah finally looked at Jenny, admiring the brunette. She thought to herself that Jenny looked really pretty. Her year away had done her good, even though she looked very sad.

"Yeah, you could say that," Jenny huffed looking out at the park.

"Which one is yours?" Jenny asked, nodding towards the dogs running around, hoping to steer the conversation away from why she didn't like being back in London. She didn't think she had the strength to talk about Emma. Just the thought made her heart ache and a lump form in her throat. She swallowed hard. She didn't want to break down and cry again.

Sarah pointed toward a black dog running around playing tug war with another dog, "He's the black labradoodle over there"

"Awww, he looks cute!" Jenny smiled at the frolicking dog. Not really knowing what more to say, she just sat looking at the dogs play while still patting a more than accommodating Rusty.

For a moment, both girls just sat quietly looking at the dogs playing in the park, not saying anything to each other, both not really sure what to do next.

Sarah moved her focus to Jenny, studying her face. There was something so forlorn about her. She looked unhappy, and her blue eyes, which Sarah had always found so beautiful, seemed without life or spark in them. She felt a sudden urge to just take Jenny in her arms again and comfort her. Instead she reached out and took hold of Jenny's fidgeting hands. "Hey Jen, what's wrong?"

Jenny sighed and looked down at Sarah's hand, now holding hers. Somehow it felt good and comforting, so she let her hands stay in that position not to lose the feeling. "Nothing is wrong Sarah, I'm fine," Jenny lied. She didn't know if she was able to open up to Sarah and tell her.

"Come on Jen. You know I'm not stupid and I know that's not true. We may not have spoken in over a year, but I know you Jen. And you wouldn't cry without a reason. So tell me what's wrong. You do still remember what you learned in Rehab, right? It's not good to keep things bottled up. So please lean on me and tell me what's wrong. Or would you really have me sing our rehab song to you? You know I don't have the best singing voice, so I might scare off all the dogs in the park," Sarah laughed, the best thing was to lighten the mood a bit. She remembered all the fun times she and Jenny spent sitting and singing after she had finished her shift at the clinic, when she worked as a candy striper. One song had sort of become their song. First she had sung it as a joke, but it had quickly turned into a song they often sang to each other.

"Well perhaps you _should_ sing that song," Jenny jokingly said while giggling at the memories. It had been one of the positive things at the clinic. Her friendship and singing with Sarah and getting clean were the only good things to come from her time there. She remembered that Sarah wasn't the best singer, but Sarah didn't care, which had impressed her a lot. She just did what she liked and enjoyed, not thinking of what other people thought of her.

"_Sometimes in our lives_

_We all have pain_

_We all have sorrow"_

Astonished, Jenny looked up at Sarah when she heard her starting to sing rather loudly. She saw Sarah smiling saucily at her, giving her a wink when their eyes met.

"_But if we are wise_

_We know that there's_

_Always tomorrow"_

"_Lean on me, when you're not strong_

_And I'll be your friend_

_I'll help you carry on"_

Sarah noticed a smile appear on Jenny's face. Satisfied that the song was working, she decided to sing a bit louder and try to get Jenny to sing along.

"_For it won't be long_

_Till I'm gonna need_

_Somebody to lean on"_

"_Please swallow your pride_

_If I have things_

_You need to borrow"_

Jenny couldn't help but smile bigger and laugh at Sarah and when she started to sing even louder she noticed that other people in the park were beginning to stare at them. Even some of the dogs stopped their play for a moment to figure out what the weird sounds were coming from their direction. She noticed Sarah's labradoodle had stopped playing and was heading towards them. She couldn't help feel a little embarrassed by the attention directed their way.

"_For no one can fill_

_Those of your needs_

_That you won't let show"_

"_You just call on me brother_

_When you need a hand_

_We all need somebody to lean on"_

Sarah could see that Jenny was blushing and obviously a bit embarrassed. She actually thought that Jenny looked cute when she was blushing.

"_I just might have a problem_

_That you'll understand_

_We all need somebody to lean on"_

"Are you going to sing with me or do I have to start dancing around as well?" Sarah laughingly said before returning to her singing, signaling to Jenny that she actually would get up and dance around the bench.

Jenny looked at Sarah with horror and took a firmer grip on Sarah's hands so she couldn't get up and dance. She knew her well enough to know that she would actually do it. Shaking her head at Sarah's silliness, she started singing along:

"_Lean on me, when you're not strong_

_And I'll be your friend_

_I'll help you carry on"_

"_For it won't be long_

_Till I'm gonna need_

_Somebody to lean on"_

"_You just call on me brother_

_When you need a hand_

_We all need somebody to lean on"_

Together, they sat singing loudly. Jenny quickly got lost in the song and forgot all about the people around them, and both dogs now sitting at their feet looking at them.

"_I just might have a problem_

_That you'll understand_

_We all need somebody to lean on"_

"_If there is a load_

_You have to bear_

_That you can't carry"_

Jenny couldn't help but smile. Somehow Sarah always knew what to do to cheer her up and lighten the mood. It was just like old times.

"_I'm right up the road_

_I'll share your load_

_If you just call me"_

"_Call me_

_If you need a friend_

_(Call me)_

_Call me_

_(Call me)_

_If you need a friend_

_(Call me)_

_If you ever need a friend_

_(Call me)"_

"_Call me_

_(Call me)_

_Call me_

_(Call me)_

_Call me_

_(Call me)_

_Call me_

_(Call me)"_

"_If you need a friend_

_(Call me)_

_Call me_

_(Call me)_

_Call me_

_(Call me)_

_Call me_

_(Call me)_

_Call me_

_(Call me)"_

The girls trailed off, and sat just smiling at each other until they both noticed the clapping around them. Sarah immediately stood up and took her bows. Jenny giggled at the silliness.

Laughing, Sarah sat down on the bench next to Jenny again. They sat in silence. Sarah noticed Jenny's sad, pained expression return to her face. She reached for her arm and started to gently stroke it. "Jen what is it? Please tell me. Did you relapse, Jenny?"

"What? No!… No, it's nothing like that. I'm still clean." Jenny looked stricken that Sarah would think that she was using again.

"Then tell me Jen. I can see you're struggling and it's corny, but like the song said, you can lean on me." Sarah moved her right arm behind Jenny and started rubbing her back.

"It's… It's just that I miss my girlfriend so much. And my parents won't let me go live with her, and I haven't heard from her in over a day and it's tearing me apart. What if she's tired of this long distance relationship and wants out, and that's why she's not answering my calls or texts anymore?" Jenny couldn't fight the tears starting to well up in her eyes so she just let them fall down her cheek.

"Oh Jen, I'm so sorry to hear that, but I'm sure she's not tired of you. Perhaps something just came up or something happen to her phone. I'm sure everything is fine. And I could imagine that it isn't easy to have a long distance relationship. But you're a strong girl Jen, and when you set your mind on something, you do it." Sarah hugged Jenny and let her cry while she continued stroking her back. Inwardly, she was feeling sad that Jenny had a girlfriend and that she was in such pain from her relationship problems. But at the same time, it gave her a flicker of hope. Perhaps there still was a chance she thought to herself.

They silently sat on the bench for a while longer. Sarah held Jenny, giving her comfort and time to cry and let it all out. Jenny cried and felt secure in Sarah's embrace.

After some time, Jenny stopped crying, sat up and wiped away her tears. "Thank you Sarah," she said quietly, not looking at her but at the ground where the two dogs had been sitting. They were now running around the park, playing and chasing each other as if they had known each other all their lives.

"There's no need to thank me Jenny. You know I'm here for you if you ever need to talk."

Jenny looked at Sarah, giving her a small smile and nodding before looking back out at the dogs playing.

Pulling out her phone from her black leather jacket, Sarah said, "I tell you what… How about I give you my phone number, and then you can always call or text me if you want to talk or meet up here at the park with the dogs. I can text you my number if you give me yours." Sarah was hoping that Jenny would agree and give her her number. She would really hate to lose contact again.

"Sure, that would be nice," Jenny replied with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. The sadness was still evident in those blue eyes. She took out her phone to find her number; she still hadn't learned the new number by heart. For a minute she got lost in the picture of her and Emma on the screen.

Sighing she put the phone back in her pocket and looked up, "my number is 7740 136975. You can just text me yours, then I'll save it into my contacts. It would be nice to meet up again and talk."

Smiling, Sarah saved the number before putting it away. "I hope you mean that. I really would like to see you again." In truth, she hoped that she would be seeing Jenny a lot more.

"I do mean it. It was nice to talk to you today, and even singing with you again," Jenny chuckled. This time her eyes sparkled at the thought of the silly song Sarah had performed in the park to cheer her up.

"Any time Jenny." Sarah giggled at the thought of how Jenny first looked when she started singing.

"Look I have to go home, but call me whenever you need to talk. Lean on me Jenny." Sarah stood up, whistling to get the attention of her dog.

"Yeah sure, I'd better get home with Rusty too before Mrs. Woodward becomes concerned about us. And I _would_ call you if I had your number," Jenny said with a smirk before turning to call Rusty to put him at the leash.

"Ohh, right! I'll text you the number in a minute!" Sarah smiled, shaking her head at the way Jenny had said it. But she was also pleased that Jenny seemed a bit happier and was able to joke a bit.

Both girls stood with their dogs on their leashes, looking at each other shyly, not knowing how to say goodbye. "Right, I'd better get going," Sarah said before giving Jenny a quick hug.

"Yeah, me too. Thank you for everything, Sarah," Jenny mumbled shyly, hugging Sarah back.

They parted, and started to walk home in opposite directions. Jenny was still upset about not having heard anything from Emma. She missed her terribly and was starting to get worried. However, seeing Sarah had made her mood a bit better. It was nice talking to her again, and she was really happy that Sarah wanted to hang out with her. It felt good to have a friend her own age in London, someone she could talk to. She put her earphones in and pressed play to listen to music on her walk home.

As she walked home, she wondered if she should call Emma's parents and ask if everything was okay, however, she knew that if something had happened to Emma, they would have called her straight away.

Turning around the corner onto her and Rusty's street, her phone beeped. She took it out of her pocket and looked at the screen. Smiling she read the text, hit reply and started to write.


	7. Chapter 7 Courage is

**Hi I'm back**

**Hope you haven't forgotten about this story.**

**Sorry for the delay, but Uni is keeping me busy.**

**A little quiz, can anybody guess who it is that sings the song on Jenny's voice mail? - and no googling folks! ;)**

**Enjoy**

**Courage is.**

Emma was sitting in front of her laptop trying to work on a paper about the musical Wicked. She had to explain the history of the show and give her interpretation of it and why she thought it had become one of the most popular musicals in the world. She had seen the musical herself and had really liked it. She was fascinated by the story of the two witches and the subtle hints of a possible romance between them. She had done a lot of research on the story and even read the book. Normally it would be an easy assignment for her, however today she found it hard to concentrate. Her thoughts kept drifting off to Jenny and the whole mess with Karin. She hadn't answered her phone or the texts she had gotten from Jenny since she had kissed Karin. She really didn't know how to tell Jenny. She was afraid that Jenny would break it off between them, and she couldn't face that. The fact that she still had to do the assignment with Karin and they probably had to rehearse it again before they performed it in front of the class also frustrated her immensely. So far she had avoided Karin at school: sneaking around the halls, using a different entrance to uni and trying to sit as far away from her in class. She didn't know how to face her. If her grade wasn't so dependent on this assignment she would have skipped it, but there were no way around it, she had to do it.

Frustrated, she threw her pencil on the table, moaning while rubbing her face with her hands, wondering how everything had become such a big mess. She loved Jenny with all her heart and she didn't know what had made her kiss Karin. She missed Jenny so much, maybe it had just felt nice to get some attention from someone. To Emma they were just friendly feelings, or at least that was what she thought they were. She had no idea that Karin had those kinds of feelings for her, or perhaps she did but just didn't want to acknowledge it. Why hadn't she done anything? Why hadn't she told Karin from the start that she had a girlfriend? Did she really, in some subconscious, way like the attention and flirting? Was that what made her kiss her back? Everything was so confusing and she didn't know what to do. Should she tell Jenny or keep it a secret? It couldn't hurt either of them if Jenny didn't know, could it?

She picked up the picture frame with a picture of Jenny and all her STAG friends sitting on the book statue. Jenny was laughing at something Bodo had said. She missed the gang. They had a lot of fun together and always knew how to help and support each other. She remembered that day very well. They had been sitting outside in the sun chatting and laughing after they had finished yet another performance for the school. Bodo had teased them by calling them "Jemma" after she and Jenny had gotten lost in a loving moment of kissing. It had made Jenny laugh when Bodo had explained to them he had given them a couple name and that all of their friends used it now, because they were always together and lovey-dovey. Emma had at first been a little surprised by it and a little afraid of what people would think. She didn't want to attract any more attention to the two of them outside of their group. She still feared that something like when Ronnie and his friends attacked her would happen again. However, Jenny had laughed and actually thought it was a bit goofy, yet sweet. Jenny's laugh and her smile with that lovely dimple did always make her relax and forget about all the worries she normally had. Jenny's eyes were sparkling and she looked so happy in the picture. She really missed Jenny and the days when everything seemed so simple. All that mattered was the love that they felt for each other, and not the worries about distance, convincing Jenny's parents to let her move back to Germany and everything else.

Sighing wearily, she picked up her pencil and started to go through her notes again. She wanted to verify that she had all her notes prepared before she started typing up her assignment.

Sure she had it all ready, she flipped open her laptop and turned it on. Letting out a little sigh, she just wanted to finish this assignment so she could go to bed and forget about everything. Once the dim light of the laptop screen flickered on, she opened Word to start typing in her assignment.

Barely a page into her assignment, she felt like she needed a break. To keep in the mode of her assignment she played the soundtrack from Wicked, poured herself another cup coffee and took a sip, enjoying the warm black liquid while letting out a small sigh and leaning back in her chair, closing her eyes and enjoying the crescendo of Defying Gravity.

She was brought out of her relaxing moment when the song was interrupted by a very familiar ring. She looked up at her screen and saw that it was Luzi trying to Skype with her. Smiling, she pressed the answer button and immediately Luzi's smiling face filled the whole screen. "Hi Emma! Wow, it has been ages since we last spoke, how are you?"

"I'm fine Luzi," Emma lied, trying to sound as if everything really was fine.

"Hmm Emma, that doesn't sound very convincing. And by the look on your face I can tell that something is wrong, so what is it?" Luzi's face quickly changed from happy to worried

Wanting to avoid the question, Emma just shrugged her shoulders. "Ahh, you know, life just can be a bitch sometimes. But more importantly, how are you doing? How is it being on tour?" Emma asked, hoping that Luzi would drop the questions about what was wrong.

"I'm great Emma, and the tour is just great and amazing. I'm meeting so many people and seeing a lot of different places but, Emma, that's not important right now. Please tell me what's wrong. I know you, and I can see that it's not simply 'nothing'," Luzi firmly stated to make sure that Emma understood that she wouldn't let Emma change the subject.

Sighing, Emma took a deep breath and started to tell Luzi everything that had happened between her and Jenny and her and Karin and about her concerns. It was hard to voice it aloud and tears quickly started to roll down her flushed cheeks. She was afraid that Luzi would be disappointed in her for kissing Karin. "Please don't hate me Luzi, please don't be upset at me," she whimpered, not able to look at the screen at Luzi's face.

"Emma I'm not upset with you and I certainly don't hate you. I'm just a bit surprised about everything. I thought that things between you and Jenny were going well. I know that things have been hard for you and Jenny, but you didn't kiss this other girl intentionally. But I do think that you really need to talk to Jenny about it all," Luzi calmly told Emma.

Emma looked up at the screen "I…. I don't know if I can tell her Luzi. I don't know how too. I'm scared of what might happen. I don't want to break her heart … or mine," Emma sobbed.

Reassuringly, Luzi smiled at Emma. "Emma, you have to tell her, and I know you can and will figure out how. You're strong and you both have such love for each other, so I'm sure you can talk things through. Just think of all the things you two have gone through already. And Emma, think about if it was the other way around. You would have gone out of your mind worrying about Jenny if you hadn't heard from her in over a day, and you would want her to tell you if it had happened to her. Nothing goods comes from keeping secrets from each other Emma."

With a loud exhale, , Emma simply nodded and conceded, "you're right Luzi, as always."

"I know I am," Luzi giggled while turning around to look at someone entering the room. Emma heard someone say "5 minutes."

Smiling, Luzi looked back at Emma. "Look Emma, I need to go. I have to be on stage in 5 minutes, but it was good to talk to you. I'll Skype you again soon and will call to talk with Jenny. I'm sure everything will work itself out. But promise me you'll call her and talk to her."

"Yeah, I will. Thanks for listening. Take care, and I can't wait till next time so I can hear more about your amazing tour!" Emma let out a small sigh as she turned off Skype. She knew Luzi was right. She just had to figure out how to tell Jenny.

Suddenly her laptop beeped again telling her she had gotten an email. She looked at the screen and saw it was from Luzi. _'Hi Emma, thought my new cover song might help you get some courage to call Jenny. I know that right now you are sitting and thinking about what to say to Jenny and trying to muster up the courage to call. Love you Emma, and call or text me any time you need to talk! ps. I'll be in Berlin next month, hoping we can hook up and do something'_

Emma smiled and pressed the link, leaned back in her chair and started to listen to Luzi's new song.

"_Take all my vicious words_

_And turn them into something good"_

"_Take all my preconceptions_

_And let the truth be understood"_

"_Take all my prized possessions_

_Leave only what I need"_

"_Take all my pieces of doubt_

_And let me be what's underneath"_

_Courage is when you're afraid,_

_But you keep on moving anyway_

_Courage is when you're in pain,_

_But you keep on living anyway_

She smiled thinking of how Luzi always knew what to say to calm her and make her see the error of her ways.

"_We all have excuses why_

_Living in fear something in us dies_

_Like a bird with broken wings_

_It's not how high he flies,_

_But the song he sings"_

"_Courage is when you're afraid,_

_But you keep on moving anyway"_

"_Courage is when you're in pain,_

_But you keep on living anyway,_

_You keep on living anyway"_

Maybe Luzi was right; she had to talk to Jenny. If it had been the other way around, she would have wanted Jenny to tell her.

"_It's not how many times you've been knocked down_

_It's how many times you get back up_

_Courage is when you've lost your way,_

_But you find your strength anyway"_

Listening to the song, she realized there was no way around it. She couldn't keep burying her head in the sand and pretending things hadn't happened. She had to face it. She had to face both telling Jenny and talking to Karin. Hopefully it wouldn't impact the assignment they were doing together.

"_Courage is when you're afraid_

_Courage is when it all seems grey_

_Courage is when you make a change,_

_And you keep on living anyway"_

"_You keep on moving anyway_

_You keep on giving anyway_

_You keep on loving anyway"_

The song ended and Emma had a new found clarity. Before she could change her mind, she picked up her phone, took a deep breath and pushed the speed dial number. "Here goes nothing," she mumbled to herself as she listened to the phone ring. And ring. And ring before she heard the very familiar voice mail song '_Sorry, I'm not home right now. I'm walking into spiderwebs. So leave a message and I'll call you back. A likely story but leave a __message. And I'll call you back'_

Frustrated, Emma hung up and hit "send message"


	8. Chapter 8 It's so hard

**Here is the next chapter for my little Jemma story. Just a heads up, the story is nearing its end!**

**I'm sorry I haven't been able to update sooner. I'm extremely busy with Uni and suffered from a little WB. However, everytime I have a little free time I try to write on the story.**

**Jamster: Thank you for your ****review - hope you'll like this chapter too :)**

**Lied 89: That is actually one of the BEST reviews I've ever gotten. It made me very happy to read and motivated me to keep on writing. Hope you'll be just as happy with this chapter :)**

**Kathy: Thank you so much. It's making me happy to hear that :) The wait is over - hope you enjoy this chapter**

**Guest: You guessed right, it is Spiderwebs by No Doubt. 2 hours I can't write that fast, so you just have to be patience**

**Kite: Hope you'll like this one too - and it was worth the wait :)**

**The song It's so hard is by Anouk**

**Oh and there is actually another hidden song in this chapter - who can guess it?**

**Enjoy!**

**It's so hard**

Her feet stomped the gravel at each step she took along the wet path in the park. The path was splashing back mud up on both legs, soaking her pants. The rest of her clothes were slowly getting soaked because of the rain pouring down.

Ignoring everything else but the music playing in her IPod and reaching the next corner of the rain soaked path.

"_I'm just thinkin' about the child in me,_

_That I'm sometimes feeling inside_

_And I'm figuring out just what it is_

_That makes me feel so small"_

Pushing herself harder at each step. Increasing the pace. Ignoring the pain and ache in every muscle of her body. The only pain she could feel was the pain in her heart … or where her heart used to be. Ever since last night, all she felt was a black hole where it once beat. It was the most painful feeling she had ever experienced. Her heart had been ripped out of her chest by one single phone call.

"_Is it you, that hurts me when I give myself_

_Every day and every night_

_Am I too blind to see that it doesn't work out_

_Did I really ask too much of you baby_

_Do you mean to tell me that's the way it is_

_Do you mean to say"_

Her breathing was heavy, heaving to catch enough air, and the side stitch was burning, but she refused to stop. This pain was better than the pain she had been feeling all night and all morning. Reaching the main entrance of the park, she decided to go another round. She wasn't ready to go home yet. She just wanted to keep running and not feel anything. She didn't care about anything anymore. She only wanted to run around the path in the deserted park alone.

"_It's all so hard, It's so hard_

_It's all so hard, It's so hard"_

By now she was soaked through and through and her rain drenched hair clung to her face. The water running through her hair and down her face masked the tears streaming from her eyes. Tears she didn't know she was shedding.

"_As I search for an answer, I see the clear blue sky_

_And I know that you're the one to blame_

_And I feel so naïve_

_When you say that our love to you was just a game_

_I dream, my dream, I'm sane, I'm insane_

_Oh, please don't, please don't speak to me that way"_

Normally she wouldn't have wanted others to see her in this state, but now she didn't care that she was crying, her clothes wet and sticking to her body from sweat, rain and mud and fighting to catch her breath with every new step she took. Now she only cared about reaching the next corner and then the next. She only cared about running, trying to run away from the pain within her heart.

"_Do you mean to tell me that's the way it is_

_Do you mean to say"_

Listening to Anouk, she increased her pace a bit more, not caring about running around the water puddles anymore to avoid getting wet feet. Now she just ran straight through them not caring.

"_It's all so hard, It's so hard_

_It's all so hard, It's so hard"_

Reaching the main entrance to the park once again she chose to run out of the park toward her home instead of going another round. Both her body and mind were exhausted, so she thought a hot bath would help on her aching muscles and then she just wanted to go to bed and try to forget everything that Emma had told her about kissing another girl. The image of Emma being in another girl's arms and kissing her was hurting more than she ever would have imagined. The pain in her heart was excruciating. All she wanted to do was just forget and not feel anymore, to close her eyes and shut everything out. It was all so hard and it was tearing her apart.

"_Damned it's so hard, why you're so hard_

_Why you're so hard, It's tearing me apart"_

Her day had been okay, meeting Sarah again, singing and talking with her and afterward texting with her and agreeing to meet up for coffee soon. But then after dinner she saw she had missed a call from Emma and that Emma had texted her to call her as soon as possible. Because of the way Emma had written her text, she immediately felt that something was wrong. It wasn't the usual Emma way of texting, but she hadn't been prepared for what Emma had told her. That Emma had kissed this girl from her class and that she had to do it again in front of her whole class. Not that she had kissed her for the project, but that she had _kissed_ her, not acting. She knew that Emma was sorry. She had apologized a million times while they had cried and talked. In the end it all just became too much for Jenny and she had ended the phone call without saying goodbye. She couldn't handle the thought of Emma responding to this girl. Shutting her phone off to avoid Emma's repeated calls, she had curled up on her bed and cried all night.

Entering the door, she quickly kicked off her wet, muddy running shoes before heading straight for the stairs and up to her room to get out of her clothes and take a warm bath to get warmed up.

"Jenny, a word now," she heard her dad's stern voice bellowing from the bottom of the stairs

Turning around halfway up the stairs she looked down at her father, it was obvious that he was angry. Sighing inwardly she thought "what have I done now?" since he was in such a foul mood. "Father can't it wait until I've changed out of my wet clothes and taken a bath?"

"No Jenny, it cannot wait. I have just gotten a call from your boss, Mr. Hamilton, telling me that you have called in sick to work for the rest of the week and maybe more. He called concerned and asked if it was anything serious. I had to lie and pretend that I knew about it. And then when I come home to see how you are, I find that you are out running around in this weather and are not sick at all. Do you mind telling me what this is all about? " Her dad said, disappointment and anger showing in his face. He was tired of making excuses for his daughter.

Sighing, Jenny looked at her father and rolled her eyes. She didn't really want to talk now, especially not with her dad who always seemed to be disappointed in her no mater what she did or didn't do. "I don't want to have this conversation now. I'm cold and I'm wet and all I want to do is go up and take a long hot bath."

Turning to walk up the rest of the steps to her room, she heard her father's angry voice bellow from the hall, "Jenny you will come down here at once and tell me why you are not at work!"

"Father, why is it so important that it seriously can't wait until I've showered and changed?" Turning around again looking down at her father, she could feel the anger starting to boil inside her.

"Because Jenny, I want an explanation NOW. I want to know why you are determined to throw away and ruin your life. Why is it that you are so ungrateful and can't appreciate all the things that your mother and I have done for you, to ensure that you will have a good future, a life with a good career?" Her dad yelled. He was losing his patience with his daughter.

Jenny was sick and tired of her father always controlling her life. If it weren't for him, she would still be in Germany, enjoying life with Emma. But he had ruined everything for her. He always needed to control everything. Losing it, she stormed down the stairs screaming at her father. "I'm tired of being what you want me to be father! I'm feeling so faithless and lost under the surface! I don't know what it is that you're expecting of me! But you've put me under the pressure of walking in your shoes and every bloody step that I take is just another mistake to you anyway, so why bother?"

"Jenny you will behave and not speak that way to me, ever again. Now get in my office and explain your latest behavior." Her dad said, angrily pointed towards his office.

Jenny now stood directly in front of her father, looking him straight in the eye. She could feel herself shaking with anger, yet she didn't care anymore that all she was ever going to be in her father's eyes was a huge mistake and a disappointment. She was pissed off and she wanted him to know. She couldn't hold it inside anymore. "No I will not father. I do not owe you any explanation," she vehemently spat the words out.

The surprised look on her father's face at her disobedience gave her the courage to finally unleash. "I've become so numb and I can't feel you there for me anymore. I'm so tired, but I'm so much more aware of your endless disappointment in me. I'm becoming this person I don't like to try and please you and all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you!"

Enraged, she continued to yell at her father while stepping closer, " Father can't you see that you're smothering me? You're holding too tightly, because you're afraid to lose your precious control? And now everything you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you, and you can't do anything about it!"

The more she threw at her father, the more she felt the anger starting to release her. Tears started to stream down her face as she realized that she had lost herself and that no matter how much she tried she would never be able to please her parents, "Father every step that I take is just another mistake to you and every second that I waste trying to please is more than I can take."

As the words spilled out of her, she began to run out of steam, moving from yelling to just speaking harshly and sternly to her father. She realized there and then that she needed to take control of her own life. "Father, like I said before, I've become so numb. I can't feel you there for me anymore. I'm tired of always trying to be what you want me to be. All I want to do is be more like me and be a lot less like you."

It wasn't until Jenny had seemingly run out of words and just stood there, looking furiously into her father's ice cold eyes that she realized she was crying. Upset that she yet again had given her father the impression that she was just a weak crybaby, she reached her hands up and wiped away the tears that were streaming down her face. She then turned around and ran towards the front door, hurriedly throwing on her shoes before reaching for the doorknob.

She did not stop, even as she heard her father's parting command that she come back and apologize for speaking like that to him and explain herself, adding that if she walked out that door she shouldn't expect any more help from her parents. But she didn't care. She just needed to get out of that house. It was suffocating her to stay in it.

The last thing she heard before the front door closed behind her was her mother's irate voice.


End file.
